Da Fiction plaza

Like I said in the first post, this will be where we put our fictions, our non reality stuff.
And no, I'm not putting a fantasy novel here. If I had a fantasy novel complete, I would publish it and make shitloads of cash.
Anyway, I don't really have a story to post here now, but I can place a reference to one I have written before.

Its called "the Scream" and is on Deviantart. Here is a link:
http://beast-king.deviantart.com/art/Scream-91372625

Its my first shot at horror, by the way. Mista fartmeister already read it and gave me some ideas to work on in the future. Hopefully ya rest will try it too.

Nice. So, has anyone else read it yet?

Can't wait until you post a new story.

okay, i dag ska æ legg ut to historier.
Den ene ligger på deviantart og Ray har i allefall lest den fra før av, tror farthmeister har også...
Ja, det har han, la igjen kommentarer også. i'm touched.
anyway, linken e: http://beast-king.deviantart.com/art/The-unseen-one-90231577
den va inspirert av en trailer fra spillet Prototype.

Den andre historien e ikke blitt lagt ut på deviantart enda, og det e et arbeid in progress, men æ sitt litt fast, så æ vil da be om hjelp fra my dear friendly nerds here.
den har egentlig ikke nå bra navn enda, anna en "douser of flames".
Anyway, les og fortel mæ ka dokk syns.

In the town of Furbu, there lived a special family. The family consisted of a mother and her daughter. What, no father you say? Yes, of course there was a father, and he is the reason this family is special. Let us now hear just how special.
Furbu was little more than a village, a cluster of homes piled together near the shore of the Blue Sea, seeking shelter and safety together from the dangers of the wilds.
In one of those homes, lived a strange old lady. She was nearly blind and the other villagers frequently had to help her with various things. But in exchange, she watched over the children, sort of like a day care. The children loved her, partly because she would bake some rather delicious cupcakes, but mostly because she would accompany the children out in her garden and sit under a willow tree. When the children were tired from playing, they would gather around her and she would tell stories. Her stories were varied, some were rather recent, some were ancient. Some were about ordinary people facing the difficulties of life, but most were about the extraordinary people, the so called Heroes. Hero was a term for a person, man or woman didn’t matter, with supernatural abilities, who used said abilities for the good of everyone else. Some wielded swords, some bows; some of the more recent Heroes used guns. Some could will the surroundings to help them; some could even bend reality to their whims. Some were good, some less so. But what connected all of them was an unquenchable desire to protect the people of the world.
One day, the old lady called the children over to her and asked Louise to sit next to her. Louise was a blonde haired, blue eyed girl. She was nine years old, wore her hair in pigtails, was always a bit dirty from playing with the other kids and had a beaming smiled that currently showed of the fact that she had lost one of her front teeth. Her clothes, while not being ragged, showed signs of her being a energetic child, who loved to play. She was a happy child, running around, literally bubbling with energy.
But sometimes she would become silent, distant almost. She would stare out over the water, as if searching for something. And everyone knew what she was searching for.
Her father, who had been lost since before her birth. Louise firmly believed him to be alive and that he would return one day.
As Louise sat down next to the old lady, the lady turned towards the other children.
“Today I am going to tell you about a Hero among Heroes, one of the only ones to combine the sword, the gun and magic into one. Do any of you know who I am talking about? He lived not long ago, in fact some say he lives still.”
None of the children remembered any Hero matching that description. They only knew about Heroes that used either the sword or the gun or magic or perhaps both the sword and the gun, but not a sword, a gun and magic.
“His real name has been lost to the times, but the name he came to be known by was Shadow the Silent, for he could, if he wished, remain unseen, even to the keenest of eyes.!” As the old lady said this, Louise drew a sharp breath. The lady smiled at her, showing many more missing teeth than the young girl.
“Yes dear, you of anyone here should know him. The Silent Shadow, Louise’s long lost father.” At this revelation, all the other children paid rapt attention, but none of them dared speak up. The old lady did not take kindly to interruptions, and this was a story they wanted to hear.
“The Silent Shadow was a great Hero, one who the bards sung and still sing about all over Gaia. He saved many a man, woman and child in the years following his emergence before he vanished ten years ago. At the time, his wife of but two months, Mary, was with child, but neither of them knew, at least according to Mary, as he disappeared before she herself learned of the life growing inside her. No one knows what happened to him, some believe him to be dead, some believe him to be alive but crippled, yet still some, our Louise among them, believe him to return one day, as glorious and powerful as ever.”
One of the boys raised his hand.
“Yes Billy? What is it?”
“Excuse me ma’am, but what is he famous for? You say he was a Hero amongst Heroes? Why?” Billy, a short, stockist boy, asked. The old lady smiled.
“Good question Billy. You see, Shadow was an unusual Hero. He performed great deeds, yes, but what he is most known for is not a singular great feat, nor did he have exceptional strength for a hero. But he was skilled. Very skilled. If he put his mind to it, he could do anything. You see, when Heroes first begin to make their name, they start out as little more than normal citizens and work their way up from there. Shadow was no different. Where he came from is uncertain, just as his name, but when he first arrived in (town), he appeared to be but a farmer’s son, dressed in simply, durable clothes, much like those worn by the farmers and workmen here in Furbu. He carried two weapons; a simple sword and a rusty gun. He was a tall young lad of medium build, dark blonde hair that fell in his eyes, dark green eyes that spoke of untold power and future deeds. I myself was one of the first to see him as he walked through the gates, and when I laid eyes on him, I knew there was more to him than meets the eyes. And I was right.”

-*-

I smiled as I walked through the city gates. It has been years since I was in a town like this. Pausing for a moment, I look around. People are bustling here and there, doing this and that, simply living their life. It was moments like this, when I could observe the everyday life of others, that my purpose shone clearly for me. My purpose, the one thing that had kept me going despite all the rough times behind me.
Well, no time to be standing around here. First priority is to find someplace to stay. The inn should do nicely. Hopefully it won’t be too expensive.
Walking through the town, I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the children run around, playing with each other, laughing and smiling. Being carefree as children should.
Reaching the inn was rather easy, with it having a large sign boldly proclaiming “Heroism Inn” and all. Shaking my head, I wondered just who thought that name sounded good for a place which served beer and rented out beds, but who was I to judge.
Entering the inn, I saw that it was rather standard. The ground floor occupied by tables and chairs as well as a bar. The first and second floors were bedrooms, some nicer than others. All in all, a cosy place but not very original. Not that I was complaining. Walking over to the barkeep, I sat down on one of the stools.
“How much for a room?” I asked. He regarded me for a moment while wiping out a glass.
“1 gold per night. Food included.”
Ouch, a bit pricey, but luckily food came with. That means I would be able to stay here for a little over a week. Before that time was up, I would have to find a way to earn money until I could actually make a living of being a Hero, if such a thing was possible.
“Alright. I’ll take it. Any idea where one might earn some gold around here?” the barkeep looked sceptical at first before shrugging.
“Sure, if you aren’t shy of getting your hands dirty. There are some farmers that needed help just outside town and the city guard is always looking for a available sword, which I see you have.” He remarked. I absently nodded, before rising. It was getting late. Taking the hint, the barkeep turned and walked over to a board where several keys hung. Taking one of them, he returned. After exchanging three gold pieces with the key, I walked up to my room. Once there, I undressed before plopping down on the bed, falling asleep not long after.

-*-

The next day, I left bright and early. Might as well check out the city guard first. Perhaps they had some bounties needing hunting. That would be a nice source of income, as well as training.
As I walked through the city, enjoying the sights of normal everyday life around me.
As I reached the guard house, I took a moment to observe it. Like most guardhouses, it had bars over the windows. The building itself was made up of big and sturdy stone bricks, obviously capable of standing up to some beating. But it was still rather pleasant to look at. The walls were painted in a pleasant blue, the bars were painted white. The guard standing watch outside the door was clad in a blue uniform consisting of blue trousers, a blue shirt and a white hat. In his belt he had a standard looking longsword on left hip and a bolt action rifle hung from his back.
I walked over to him and raised a hand in greeting. He nodded back.
“Greetings citizen. How might I help you?” the guard asked.
“I am looking for a chance to make some gold. The barkeep tipped me off that you were looking for bounty hunters.”
The guard looked at me with a searching look, as if wondering if I could deal with being a bounty hunter. Then he motioned in.
“Go in and talk to the man at the desk. He’ll give you some bounties.”
I nodded in thanks before walking inside.
The inside the (her har æ ikke kommet lengre)

-*-

“Normally, Heroes gain power at a steady pace. They are ranked by the strength of their soul, and this ranking steadily increases over time. However, Shadow did not follow this “rule”. His power skyrocketed after he first began his Path. He gained one rank after another at an astonishing rate. Other Heroes accused him of using some sort of Dark ritual or artefact to increase his strength, but Shadow always denied that and I for one believe him. Such pure and benevolent a young man he was, there was no way he would use something like that to become strong.”
One boy raised his hand nervously.
“Yes Raymond?”
“How did he become so strong then?”Raymond asked.
The old woman smiled a toothless grin.
“Oh, you see, Shadow possessed a special ability that allowed him the most powerful power of all. Control!”
“Huh?” was the general reaction to that. Louise sat leaned forward, hanging on to every word.
“Yes. Control. When he became aware of his gift, he became able to control the battlefield, using it to his own benefit. (ikke hær heller)

Cool, new story! Og du vil ha noen ideer? Coolio, anything to help man. I won't read it now though, too late. But I'll do that tomorrow

cool, apreceate it man.

Huh. Virker som en kul storry hook. Menneh.. Jeg bare lurer litt på hvilke tid dette er i. Noe jeg oppdaget veldig fort, er at å blande forskjellige tider er vannskelig. Hard to make it believable ya know? Let's say it's when the blast powder guns where firstly intorduced, and distibuted to the world at large.. Then you had Rifles which took over a minute to re-load before the next shot could be fired. They frequently blew up, many of the first guns had a very high percentage of doing just that. Not to mention the bad hit rate. Have you ever wondered why in the movies of the American Civil war, they stood mere 30 - 70 yards away and shot at each other? In the movies, you see one line hooting, then an entire line of those who where shot at fell like timber. In the real world, about 50% or more would not have been hit at all. It's really hilarious. and guns? Well, they might be quicker to reload, but the accuracy was even worse. Yes, at some point in history many guard was equipped with a bayonet and rifle.. The thing I'm trying to commute is why go for that era? I understand that if the story has no ties what so ever with our world and history, it mightbe ok. Heh, not exactly what you wanted to hear eh? It's just that me personally find it hard to.. uhm.. accumulate? My mind goes berserk trying to picture buildings, how people are dressed and such, but it wont work, cause I don't know what era it actually is.. Offcourse this might just be me..

So, yeah. The mixing of guns 'n swords is cool. The problem I think lies within the reader. The reader gets confused when it comes to space/time continuum. And that is really BAD!

I just have to add that I've seen some movies that did that, and mostly sucked. Why? Because things lead to hopeless situations where the protagonist could have shot the Antagonist with like 2 Billion bullets throughout the film, but nooo. He have to defeat the way stronger Antagonist(s) with his damn sword (almost dying a couple of billion times trying too). And vice versa. And to me.. Well, that's just plane and simple chicken shit.

I was also wondering why you chose to call middle earth, midtgaard, Tellus, The Earth for Gaia? Yes, I know all about Gaia I'm just wondering if you are going to use that for something central down the road.

Also, I have this problem.. When I write English, I have the tendency to use "rather" waaaay too much. And the word is simply not needed(Most of the time). So watch out

And finally... I know I might be way too critic-eque toward your fine work, but... hehe The way you described the Protagonist makes me believe the story will unfold (although it might be very awesome) like playing a game in "God mode".

Heh, now that the negative part is over and done with, I hope I was not too harsh. And I hope I did not de-motivate you. The Story I think is great, lot of possibilities and wicked awesomeness undoubtedly lies down the road.
Also, the opening I think is great. Having a storyteller (the toothless old hag) really is a easy and trapping way of telling the back story. And do not mistake me for not writing more elaborate things of what was great with the sorry.. I won't because that simply is not needed. I have thousand things to say...Err. Ok, If this was a book I might, hehe, but you get the picture :p

I'm looking forward to see your reply to this, as some of what you have to tell plot wise or generally about the setting might enlighten me, and change the opinion on the things I have stated above.

First of all, thank you for your comments. Constructive criticisim is not a turn off for me, I find it to help a lot in my writing, one of the reasons I decided to post my story here.
Okay, for the name of the world. Gaia is a temproary name until I can find something else, I such at coming up with names for things. As for the world, my world has no connection to our world, at all. People call water for water and all, but other than that, there is no connection. This is also why I had guns. Not to long ago, I borrowed Fable 2 from a friend, and I fell head over heels in love. Not necesarrily in the game, the game is good and all, but there are mostly two things I love about fable 2. One is the concept. It takes place in a fantasy setting but there are some technology awailable, swords are not the only way to fight. I am going to fix the time consistency with magic. Guns won't be opperated by gunpowder but by magic. I already have the idea forming in my mind.
the other thing about fable 2 that I love is the magic system. Usually, games with magic have mana or MP right? fable 2 hasn't. you can go around constantly casting magic in fable 2 without worrying about running out of mana. I once stood for a full fifteen minutes just csting one spell after another, its brilliant. of course that limits the power of the spells a bit, but I think that the one thing Fable 2 excells at is its magic system. And so, I am working on having that in my story.
Now, obviously, I have to worry about ripping off fable 2 too much. The magic, the technology in the world, the lost hero with family waiting. all of that is heavilly influenced by Fable 2, which is why I originally began this story as a fanfiction, not a independant work, but it has evolved. I try to do enough things diffrently than fable 2, so I won't have lionhead on my ass if I publish this story.
i just finished writing the concept for Shadow and his family. It is a short document letting me know how he is and so on, reminding me on his personality and abilities. I did make his sound god-like, didn't I? He is by no stretch that. For one thing, he isn't very physically powerful, compared to many other male Heroes. And the power the old woman spoke of isn't really a power, it is merely that he has found a way to do something no one else has done. even with that, he can very easilly be defeated, in certain situations. He is by no means weak, but no god.
By the way, what did you mean by playing in god-mode?
The old woman will be used to tell Shadow(protagonist)'s early life through generalisations and explanations. Several flashbacks in Shadow's perspective will fit in with her storytelling, which will of course not cover his whole life.
Then he will eventually return and the story will be told through either his point of view, or his daughter's, depending on what sounds best. I'm leaning towards his view right now.
Wow, I've really changed a lot about my story just from reading your comments, but I think it's a lot better now, more balanced and deeper.
Before I write any further on the story, I think I will work some more on the world, maybe draw a few maps, make a few towns and that kind of stuff. If you have any suggestions for that stuff, feel free to give them to me. I could use all the help I could get.

Ah, alright. That answered a lot of the things I wondered about

I was a bit disoriented about that gaia thing, haha. Thought that maybe Gaia would be the central religion of that world or something. Anyway, "God-mode" is... Ahem, ever played games from Valve? HL? HL2? No? there's a cheat. "god" that makes you invincible, so any cheat that make you invincible is called "God-Mode"

About maps. I usually had one page, I draw the whole land on, just drawing only places of great importance, like important rivers, forests, mountains, cities and villages, and/or Holy/sacred grounds. With roads connecting them all. Then I'd simply write what the individual place looked like, very short, on other pages and then make a list of all that is to find within (No drawing). Villages, small one at least might range from 8 - 100 buildings, and well.. Drawing a 100 small houses is just begging for a headache, especially when no one is going to see it We drew some pretty good maps to D&D once, but then again people where going to use the map as the god damn thing it is... A map..

Ah.. where was I? Yes.. I was thinking about villages, ranging from 8 - 100 houses or more if you want. The thing is, with the list you just write:

- 3 Shops (eks: The Broken Sword - Owned by Christof Vanderbrandt)
- 2 inns ( eks: The Drunken Clam(hehe) Owned by "whoever"
- 69 Farms ( eks: Owes fealty to Duke Nerf Herd of the Blasted Goat(the local land lord))
- 10 rinch man houses (Eks: The Goodwind family, The Boyugan and The Duke of the Blasted Goat)

Ok, maybe not the best example? I know, but I think it illustrates my point. It's easy, and it's orderly- And you can have much more than just houses. The list I tell you, it is awesome! The bestest map there is, jup jup!

Hope it helps

Oh, also. When creating a Village or City... Try start the creation of the place with what makes it tick..

hmm, yeah, that's some great ideas. Thanks. Should make things easier.
For the record, I never intended to make a map with every tiny little detail, I'm not that good at drawing or hate my brian that much. It would probably turn to goo after the second village or something.

Yeah, haha. A countersign list is the easiest way

I've started that list. Man, its boring work. Geez, all the things I have to make up.
But its got to be done.

Boring? Huh... I've all ways found it to be fun, to create cities an all.

perhaps I'll find it funnier when I get the hang of it. Right now its just slow and tedious. then again, I've only done one town so far

Maybe you are forcing it... I'm like.. Just day dreaming, and then the thoughts get a spin, and all of sudden I have like 1000 things to put on the paper. A lot of this has to come of it's own I guess.. To make it good at least..

most of the time I'm like that too. I guess your right, I am forcing it.
Ah, I'll just give it a rest until I find the inspiration, I guess.

Probalby clever. Plus then maybe it's fun too; Bonus, when you get a thought rush.

have you read any of the discworld books? Hilarous parodies on most fantasy books. Anyway, there inspiration comes in the form of cosmic rays that strike your head like a mallet.
I kinda hope I get one of those, yet I hope I don't. they can't be good for your brain.

Hahahah. w00t?! No I have not. Sounds funny though :p

they are. funny as hell, but I got a bit tired after a while. Its like thirty books or something, and it gets a bit repetative after a while.

Should have been movies... Like Scary movie :p

okay, remember that part of a story I posted earlier. Well, I'll repost it with the changes I did after talking with Mr. fartmeista. Hopefully, this will be better.

This is the story of a great hero. A hero born from the fires of the past, who dose the fires of the future.


-*-

In the town of Furbu, there lived a special family. The family consisted of a mother and her daughter. What, no father you say? Yes, of course there was a father, and he is the reason this family is special. Let us now hear just how special.
Furbu was little more than a village, a cluster of homes piled together near the shore of the Blue Sea, seeking shelter and safety together from the dangers of the wilds.
In one of those homes, lived a strange old lady. She was nearly blind and the other villagers frequently had to help her with various things. But in exchange, she watched over the children, sort of like a day care. The children loved her, partly because she would bake some rather delicious cupcakes, but mostly because she would accompany the children out in her garden and sit under a willow tree. When the children were tired from playing, they would gather around her and she would tell stories. Her stories were varied, some were rather recent, some were ancient. Some were about ordinary people facing the difficulties of life, but most were about the extraordinary people, the so called Heroes. Hero was a term for a person, man or woman didn’t matter, who rose up and performed deeds that would normally be beyond human ability, like slaying a troll or calming a storm. Some wielded swords, some bows, some hammers, some did not wield any weapon, preferring to use their hands and legs. Some could will the surroundings to help them; some could even bend reality to their whims. Some were good, some less so. But what connected all of them was an unquenchable desire to protect the people of the world, a desire to use their strength for the greater good.
One day, the old lady called the children over to her and asked Louise to sit next to her. Louise was a blonde haired, blue eyed girl. She was nine years old, wore her hair in pigtails, was always a bit dirty from playing with the other kids and had a beaming smile that currently showed of the fact that she had lost one of her front teeth. Her clothes, while not being ragged, showed signs of her being a energetic child, who loved to play. She was a happy child, running around, literally bubbling with energy.
But sometimes she would become silent, distant almost. She would stare out over the water, as if searching for something. And everyone knew what she was searching for.
Her father, who had been lost since before her birth. Louise firmly believed him to be alive and that he would return one day.
As Louise sat down next to the old lady, the lady turned towards the other children.
“Today I am going to tell you about a Hero among Heroes, one of the only ones to combine the way of the sword, the bow and magic into one single path. Do any of you know who I am speaking of? He lived not long ago, in fact some say he lives still to this day.”
None of the children remembered any Hero matching that description. They only knew about Heroes that used either the sword or the bow or magic or perhaps both the sword and the bow, but not a sword, a bow and magic.
“His real name has been lost to the times, but the name he came to be known by was Shadow the Silent, for he could, if he wished, remain unseen, even to the keenest of eyes.!” As the old lady said this, Louise drew a sharp breath. The lady smiled at her, showing many more missing teeth than the young girl.
“Yes dear, you of anyone here should know him. The Silent Shadow, Louise’s long lost father.” At this revelation, all the other children paid rapt attention, but none of them dared speak up. The old lady did not take kindly to interruptions, and this was a story they wanted to hear.
“The Silent Shadow was a great Hero, one who the bards sung and still sing about all over Gaia. He saved many a man, woman and child in the years following his emergence before he vanished ten years ago. At the time, his wife of but two months, Mary, was with child, but neither of them knew, at least according to Mary, as he disappeared before she herself learned of the life growing inside her. No one knows what happened to him, some believe him to be dead, some believe him to be alive but crippled, yet still some, our Louise among them, believe him to return one day, as glorious and powerful as ever before.”
One of the boys raised his hand.
“Yes Billy? What is it?”
“Excuse me ma’am, but what is he famous for? You say he was a Hero amongst Heroes? Why?” Billy, a short, stockist boy, asked. The old lady smiled.
“Good question Billy. You see, Shadow was an unusual Hero. He performed great deeds, yes, but what he is most known for is not a singular great feat, nor did he have exceptional strength for a hero. But he was skilled. Very skilled. If he put his mind to it, he could do anything. You see, when Heroes first begin to make their name, they start out as little more than normal citizens and work their way up from there. Shadow was no different. Where he came from is uncertain, just as his name, but when he first arrived in (town), he appeared to be but a farmer’s son, dressed in simple, durable clothes, much like those worn by the farmers and workmen here in Furbu. He carried two weapons; a simple sword and a rusty crossbow. He was a tall young lad of medium build, dark blonde hair that fell in his eyes, dark green eyes that spoke of joy and excitement and a promise for future deeds. I myself was one of the first to see him as he walked through the gates, me being a simple fish saleswoman at the time with a small stand near the city gates, and when I laid eyes on him, I knew I could expect great things from him. And I was right.”

-*-

I smiled as I walked through the city gates. It has been years since I was in a town like this. Pausing for a moment, I look around. People are bustling here and there, doing this and that, simply living their life. It was moments like this, when I could observe the everyday life of others, that my purpose shone clearly for me. My purpose, the one thing that had kept me going despite all the rough times behind me.
Well, no time to be standing around here. First priority is to find someplace to stay. The inn should do nicely. Hopefully it won’t be too expensive.
Walking through the town, I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the children run around, playing with each other, laughing and smiling. Being carefree as children should.
Reaching the inn was rather easy, with it having a large sign boldly proclaiming “Heroism Inn” and all. Shaking my head, I wondered just who thought that name sounded good for a place which served beer and rented out beds, but who was I to judge.
Entering the inn, I saw that it was rather standard. The ground floor occupied by tables and chairs as well as a bar. The first and second floors were bedrooms, some nicer than others. All in all, a cosy place but not very original. Not that I was complaining. Walking over to the barkeep, I sat down on one of the stools.
“How much for a room?” I asked. He regarded me for a moment while wiping out a glass.
“1 gold per night. Food included.”
Ouch, a bit pricey, but luckily food came with. That means I would be able to stay here for a little over a week. Before that time was up, I would have to find a way to earn money until I could actually make a living of being a Hero, if such a thing was possible.
“Alright. I’ll take it. Any idea where one might earn some gold around here?” the barkeep looked sceptical at first before shrugging.
“Sure, if you aren’t shy of getting your hands dirty. There are some farmers that needed help just outside town and the city guard is always looking for a available sword, which I see you have.” He remarked. I absently nodded, before rising. It was getting late. Taking the hint, the barkeep turned and walked over to a board where several keys hung. Taking one of them, he returned. After exchanging three gold pieces with the key, I walked up to my room. Once there, I undressed before plopping down on the bed, falling asleep not long after.

-*-

The next day, I left bright and early. Might as well check out the city guard first. Perhaps they had some bounties needing hunting. That would be a nice source of income, as well as training.
As I walked through the city, enjoying the sights of normal everyday life around me.
As I reached the guard house, I took a moment to observe it. Like most guardhouses, it had bars over the windows. The building itself was made up of big and sturdy stone bricks, obviously capable of standing up to some beating. But it was still rather pleasant to look at. The walls were painted in a pleasant blue, the bars were painted white. The guard standing watch outside the door was clad in a blue uniform consisting of blue trousers, a blue shirt and a white hat. In his belt he had a standard looking longsword on left hip and on his right hip he had a small, onehanded crossbow. I saw that it was one of the new types, the ones with a compartment under the barrel with extra bolts. It was designed to be easier and faster to reload. I remember it was called a repeating crossbow and the bolt compartment was called a magazine.
I walked over to him and raised a hand in greeting. He nodded back.
“Greetings citizen. How might I help you?” the guard asked.
“I am looking for a chance to make some gold. The barkeep tipped me off that you were looking for bounty hunters.”
The guard looked at me with a searching look, as if wondering if I could deal with being a bounty hunter. Then he motioned in.
“Go in and talk to the man at the desk. He’ll give you some bounties.”
I nodded in thanks before walking inside.
The inside reflected the outside of the building, sturdy and functional, but painted in non-hostile colours. There were several, heavy wooden doors leading to either offices or cells. At a desk sat a rugged looking man, leafing through some papers. I walked up to him and smiled at him.
“The man out front told me this is where you come to pick up some bounties.” The man looked at me before shrugging.
“It’s your funeral.” He grumbled before opening a drawer and pulling out several pieces of parchment.
“Here, pick any ya like. Ya need to bring back some kinda proof of the kill, if ya choose ta kill ‘im. Have a nice day!” he grinned at me, probably expecting me to back out. But I simply raised an eyebrow and started leafing through the parchments. I found several that would be just fine, thieves, arsonists and one or two murderers. Picking out a thief and a arsonist, I placed the other warrants back on the desk and walked out, giving the guard behind the desk a passing wave. To the guard outside, I simply smiled and nodded before heading back towards the inn, or more accurately, the drinking hole part of the building. It may have been early in the day, but there was always some people in those places, and they were usually good places to find information.


-*-

“Normally, Heroes gain power at a steady pace, they train and they do gradually more difficult quests. However, Shadow did not follow this “rule”, to a certain extent. His power, at first, did not increase quicker than other Heroes’, until one day he returned to (town) from a trip into the mountains. It was a very different Shadow that returned that day. What exactly he discovered in those mountains, no one but Shadow himself knows, but what is certain is that he was much, much stronger. It was like seeing a different person, his very presence was changed, from the innocent, almost naive young man, to a powerful Hero. Other Heroes accused him of using some sort of Dark ritual or artefact to increase his strength, but Shadow always denied that and I for one believe him. Such pure and benevolent a young man he was, there was no way he would use something like that to become strong.”
One boy raised his hand nervously.
“Yes Raymond?”
“How did he become so strong then?”Raymond asked.
The old woman smiled a toothless grin.
“Oh, that is a good question, for you see, Shadow possessed no extraordinary ability or talent. He was rather average in many things. Except one thing. His mind was exceptional. Where others saw problems, he saw solutions. Where others saw difficulty, he saw challenge. He had the drive to accomplish what others could only dream of, and the ability to do it. It was through those two things, drive and mental ability, that Shadow merged the way of the sword, the way of the bow and the way of magic.”
“Huh?” was the general reaction to that. Louise sat leaned forward, hanging on to every word.
“Some Heroes fight using two swords, some using two crossbows, some even fight using a sword or bow and magic. But no one before Shadow has been able to fight with a sword in one hand, a crossbow in the other while casting spells. No one has been able to do it since him, either. The amount of focus, mental and physical discipline needed is staggering.
It was with his ‘Way of Battle’ that he became known as the Hero among Heroes. But make no mistake, he was not unbeatable. Several times, he lost to other, more experienced Heroes in duels, or on quests. But he used those failures to make himself stronger.

Good start, easy read:) In the very beginning, how are you planning to lead into the old woman's story? I would suggest you introduce the world and age etc, if someone is a big evil lord or anything like that:) Is Louise supposed to be the main character in the beginning? Introduce the family other than Shadow early perhaps:)

Aye, that sounds pretty cool. One thing revise this:

"following his emergence before he vanished ten years ago. At the time, his wife of but two months, Mary, was with child, but neither of them knew, at"


Fighting with a sword, crossbow at the same time sounds awesome. What kind of crossbow do you think he uses? A bow with a dagger or short sword at the tip, making it a bow-sword? Reloading the arrows with the help of magic.. Sounds pretty bad ass.. Should get Ray or Mars to do some concept drawings of that bow-sword

Bow-sword is just what I pictured the bow as

Linapina wrote:

Good start, easy read:) In the very beginning, how are you planning to lead into the old woman's story? I would suggest you introduce the world and age etc, if someone is a big evil lord or anything like that:) Is Louise supposed to be the main character in the beginning? Introduce the family other than Shadow early perhaps:)

I think that might be a good Idea. It kind of makes things a tad bit more interesting than it is now

i'll see what I can do.
And about that bow-sword. I was thinking a normal longsword in one hand and a small repeating crossbow in the other. and what was that fefracing? What needed to be different?

It is defragmented and well.. " At the time, his wife of but two months, Mary, was with child" It sounds like that freak translator...

how about "at the time of his disappearance, his wife of just two months, Mary, discovered she was with child."

This be tha introduction, som kommer før den gamle damen sin historie fortelling begynner.

Gaia is divided into four great continents, one in the North, one in the South, one in the East and one in the West. Each continent has a centre, a pole. Unlike our earth, Gaia therefore has four poles, a North pole, a South pole, a East pole and a West pole.
Each great continent holds a different climate. In the North, snow, ice and cold is the norm, with only a brief summer that lasts but a few weeks every year.
In the South, sand, rock and warmth is the norm, with only a few weeks of rainfall every year giving life to the endless deserts and baking mountains.
The East and West are more similar than the North and South are, the East having a temperate climate where pine and leaf forests flourish and the summer and winter are of equal length and importance. The West is slightly warmer than the East, jungles and tropical islands dominating the continent.
These four continents are divided from each other by four large oceans, the Blue sea which lies between the North and East, the Black sea, which lies between the North and the West, the Red sea, which lies between the South and the West and finally the Green sea, which lies between the South and the East.
In these oceans lies countless islands, some small and some very large. These islands are counted as the fifth and final continent, the Sea continent.
No one knows just how large the four great continents are, as much still remains to be explored, the wilderness being a dangerous place to set foot and many that do are never heard from again.
For as long as mankind has existed in Gaia, man has interacted with the other races inhabiting the world in different manners. The elves and dwarves have always been man’s distant cousins, and have lived side by side with each other, mostly in peace and prosperity.
Other creatures have not extended the same courtesy. Noones is the common name given to creatures who care nothing for anyone but themselves. Among these creatures are the rocky trolls, the bloodthirsty vampires and the savage orcs. But there are also horrors that have no such descriptors about them. They can at best be called instinctual, as they follow some bestial instinct and nothing more. These creatures are often called monsters, and few other names fit them as well.
In response to the threat of these Noones, humans, elves, dwarves and other sentient, friendly races, banded together and formed an Alliance, an alliance that wowed to protect each other from the forces of the dark, as the Noones were called. And soon, people with abilities far beyond the normal man or woman were born from this alliance, and they took up the sword and the shield and brought the fight out of the towns and cities and took it to the Noones themselves, driving them back into the Wilderness from whence they came.
And such, the peace of the allied races came about, and it lasted for centuries, allowing each race to prosper and grow. Many great inventions and discoveries were made. The dwarves, the most industrious of the allied races, developed ways to forge metal lighter and stronger than ordinary steel. They made machines that helped them in anything from mining to travelling. It was a Dwarf who first made a crossbow capable of being wielded one-handed.
The Elves, who had the longest lifespan and the deepest connection with magic out of the allied races, developed great magics and performed wonders previously unthought of. It was an Elf who first discovered how to instantly travel from one location to another with magic.
Humans, not having the Dwarven lust for industry nor the Elven gift for magic, did not develop much on their own. But they learned from their cousins and then furthered what they had done. It was a human who first discovered that using springs, a cache and some wire, the ordinary crossbow could be loaded with more than one bolt. The repeating crossbow was born. It was also a human who discovered how to make the teleportation spell that the elves made into a public way of transport through the use of crystals and magic circles.
And so the alliance was strengthened as the Dwarves, Humans and Elves learned from each other and together they prospered.
But in the Wilderness, unattended and unwatched by the Alliance, the Noones were amassing. And as their onslaught began anew, and monsters started becoming more frequent, the need for defence became dire. The Alliance was needed to fight once more. But this time, the Noones were acting different. Before the Alliance, they were more or less mindless rabble, pure violence incarnated. Now, they moved with a purpose, a great force driving them.
It was in the fires of the war that arose that the man of which this story is told was born. And our story begins with the tales of an old woman in a small farming village, called Furbu, in the land of Endoria of the East continent.

The world seems really great:) Still, you're not going to start the book like that, no? That would be somewhat abrupt;) You'll have to find a way to naturally flow into the description of the world, I guess.

Oh! Also, if the continents are called north, south.......... it would be natural that there is a center (or former center (like Britain)) of power in the middle that has decided which are which. If you travel to the other side of the Earth, the continent of West would be to the east, you know what I'm saying.

Are there monsters in the sea? Are there dragons?

there are limits to what I can say in a introduction like this, I won't say any more on monsters or such in it.
Flowing into the introduction is what I was trying to do, but apparently it failed.
Any suggestions.
And the fifth continent is the 'centre' continent, as it is a bunch of islands scattered around the world, and includes several in the centre.

how about this then, for a start of the book:

Dear reader.
In your hands, you hold a book of great importance. A book describing events that have changed our world forever. And if you, the reader, is not from the same world as this story is about, then I hope you will appreciate this story of sacrifice and battle for all that is good in life. I am now going to assume that you are, in fact, not from Gaia, my home world. After all, magic is a wondrous and confusing thing, and magic has always run wild when I have been writing in this book.
The world that I call home is called Gaia. It is a large planet at the centre of our solar system, the sun and other planets circling around Gaia in a never-ending celestial dance.
Gaia is divided into four great continents, one in the North, one in the South, one in the East and one in the West. Each continent has a centre, a place where that continents climate is at its harshest. The four poles are called the North pole, the South pole, the East pole and the West pole.
Each great continent holds a different climate. In the North, snow, ice and cold is the norm...

and then it continues like what I posted earlier.

Beast King wrote:

how about this then, for a start of the book:

Dear reader.
In your hands, you hold a book of great importance. A book describing events that have changed our world forever. And if you, the reader, is not from the same world as this story is about, then I hope you will appreciate this story of sacrifice and battle for all that is good in life. I am now going to assume that you are, in fact, not from Gaia, my home world. After all, magic is a wondrous and confusing thing, and magic has always run wild when I have been writing in this book.
The world that I call home is called Gaia. It is a large planet at the centre of our solar system, the sun and other planets circling around Gaia in a never-ending celestial dance.
Gaia is divided into four great continents, one in the North, one in the South, one in the East and one in the West. Each continent has a centre, a place where that continents climate is at its harshest. The four poles are called the North pole, the South pole, the East pole and the West pole.
Each great continent holds a different climate. In the North, snow, ice and cold is the norm...

and then it continues like what I posted earlier.

I dont see why you should give them so much information at the start. I think that this should be uncovered during the story, making the reader discover the world in the story process... But, If want to give the reader this amount of knowledge abot the world, one shouldnt directly address the reader. Just make it seem like a passage of a letter or historical text. Makes the whole text more belivable.

I shouldn't give the reader so much info? If I don't the reader will assume he's reading a story about this world, which is wrong. Also, the introduction is just that, a introduction to the basic history of the world, so that I won't have to explain things that most people in the story would already know.
and what is wrong with adressing the reader? That makes the book seem like someone who experienced the events wanted to write them down so that others could know what happened.

Beast King wrote:

I shouldn't give the reader so much info? If I don't the reader will assume he's reading a story about this world, which is wrong. Also, the introduction is just that, a introduction to the basic history of the world, so that I won't have to explain things that most people in the story would already know.
and what is wrong with adressing the reader? That makes the book seem like someone who experienced the events wanted to write them down so that others could know what happened.

The readers would most likely on their own discover that the world your telling about in your story is not the same as their own. The introduction is to informative.. Seems like a big spoiler in my opinion. But this is just minor stuff, not really problems per se. What I see as a "problem" is this part
"Dear reader.
In your hands, you hold a book of great importance. A book describing events that have changed our world forever. And if you, the reader, is not from the same world as this story is about, then I hope you will appreciate this story of sacrifice and battle for all that is good in life. I am now going to assume that you are, in fact, not from Gaia, my home world. After all, magic is a wondrous and confusing thing, and magic has always run wild when I have been writing in this book. "

I think it needlessly builds up expectations, and is a huge spoiler to how the story will develop and possibly end.

"And if you, the reader, is not from the same world as this story is about, then I hope you will appreciate this story of sacrifice and battle for all that is good in life."

This info could make the ending of the story obviouse as they are reading the actual story.

okay, I see your point. Maybe I should change the introduction then. hmm, right, I think I got how to do it.

Beast King wrote:

how about this then, for a start of the book:


Gaia is divided into four great continents, one in the North, one in the South, one in the East and one in the West. Each continent has a centre, a place where that continents climate is at its harshest. The four poles are called the North pole, the South pole, the East pole and the West pole.

You said four, again. I don't understand. Map, please? Just a rough one, like circles in paint or sth:)

Okay, how about this for an introduction:
“Mom, I’m home!” nine year old Louise yelled as she barged into the cottage she shared with her mother, Mary.
“Welcome home honey. Did you have an exciting day at school?” Mary asked. Louise pouted and crossed her arms.
“No, we had world geography again. It was boring.”
“Oh, why? I remember you doing your homework, why was it boring then? I can understand if you didn’t understand anything but...”
“It was boring because I already knew everything we talked about.”
“Oh, and what did you talk about then.”
“The continents...”

-*-Earlier that day, Furbu school building nine.-*-
“Okay children, open your books at page seventy-eight. Today we shall review about the continents. Sarah, what can you tell me about the North continent?” the teacher, Mrs. Marbunkle, stated. Sarah, a short red haired girl, stood up.
“Um...oh, right. The North continent is one of the five great continents. It lies to the North and it is the cold continent, its winter almost all year there.”
“Good. You may sit down Sarah. Now, who can tell me about the South continent?” a few hands were raised.
“Remmy?”
The stocky bald boy stood up.
“The south continent is the warmest continent. Its lots of deserts and rocky plains. The great Krilli mountains, Gaia’s largest mountain range, spreads from one end to another on the continent.”
“Very good, and what lies behind the Krilli mountains?” the teacher asked. Remmy shrugged.
“I don’t know ma’mn.”
“And very few does. Behind the Krilli mountains lies Wilderness, who can tell me what Wilderness is?”
A lot more hands shoot up.
“Jeremy.”
“Wilderness is a common name for land unexplored. Its wild and dangerous because that’s where the Noones live.”
“Very good. Okay, who can tell me about the West continent?”
Again, several hands were in the air.
“Hilda.”
“The West continent is largely jungle and marshlands. Its not as warm as the South, but its warmer than the East and much wetter.”
“Correct, the West is also called the jungle climate. Now, the East. Anyone?”
Almost everyone in the class raised their hands at this one.
“Louise?”
“The East continent is the one our contry, Endoria, is part of. The East is mostly temperate forests and plains. It is the most fertile and...er...livable continent save the Centre and it is here that most humans live.”
“Most humans you say? Where do, say, the Dwarves?”
“They live in the South, in the mountains there.”
“Do you know why?”
“Um...because the South mountains are rich on minerals?”
“Correct. How about the Elves?”
“Um, many of them live in the West, but a lot of them live here in the East too.”
“And in the North.” “And the South.” Someone called out. Mrs. Marbunkle nodded.
“Yes. Elves are the most spread race in terms of geographical scale. Every race in the Alliance of Light are spread all over the world, but humans and dwarves have their capitals in the East and South, respectively. Okay, thank you Louise. Now, how about the Centre? Linda?”
“Um...the centre isn’t really a continent, it is a collection of islands that lie between the four great continents. It is on a large island that lies at the very centre between all four great continents that the Alliance Council has its seat, where the Alliance meets to...erm, talk about things.”
“Correct. As such, Liberty island, is one of the most, if not the most important island in the whole of Gaia. It is there the Alliance meets twice a year to discuss how to best keep the peace and prosperity of Gaia. Now, Jeremy, you mentioned Noones. What is that?”
Jeremy stood up once more.
“Noone is a name for the monsters that live in the Wilderness. Eh...”
Mrs. Marbunkle sighed.
“Noones have always been hostile towards the more peaceful races of Gaia, and it was in response to the ever growing threat they represented that was the incentive to form the Alliance of Light. Up until around forty years ago, Noones sightings and attacks were limited mostly to the Wilderness or the deep wilds around the continents, but one day they became more active again. Luckily, Heroes have been able to strike back and the Alliance’s military has managed to protect us from what the Heroes have not taken out, but the fact that Noones are on the move again is disconcerting.”
“Why? If Heroes and the Alliance can stop them, why should we worry?” one of the boys asked. Mrs. Marbunkle shook her head.
“It is true that the Noones have been stopped, for now, but the fact that they have begun attacking again and in a much more organized and, for lack of better word, smarter way, is cause for some concern. But more on that later, now who can tell me the names for the oceans dividing our continents?”
“Amy?”
“The one between the North and East is called the Green sea because the water is so cold it is green rather than blue, which also means it is very neu...neutri...rich in food. The one between the North and West is called the Black sea because it is so deep, the water is looks almost black. The one between the South and West is called the Red sea, because in spring, red algae flourish and turn most of the water red. And lastly, the one between the South and East is called the Blue sea...um, because the water is blue.” The little girl looked rather proud of herself and Mrs. Marbunkle nodded.
“Very good Amy. Now, let us turn to our books. Dustin, please read from ‘Endoria lies on the northern coast’ please.”
Dustin nodded and cleared his throat before reading.
“’Endoria lies on the northern coast of the East continent. It was first founded by travelling Dwarves, wanting to settle down somewhere. They found a rich vein of’...ma’mn, what is nerocite?”
“A material used to make magical circles. Continue please.”
“Okay. Um, oh yeah. ‘They found a rich vein of nerocite and est...eh...made a town around the mine they made. The Dwarves then...”
Suddenly, the bell rang, interrupting Dustin and sending everyone packing their books and getting ready for the next class.
“Okay, I want everyone to read the passage we were on as well as the next one by next class. Dismissed.”

-*-
“That doesn’t sound so bad.” Mary stated.
“But Mom, I knew all that before. It was just a waste of time going over the same thing again. I could have been outside, training or something instead.” Louise stomped her little foot into the floor in childish indignation. Mary gave her a serious look.
“Perhaps not everyone knew all that, and needed the review. You shouldn’t assume that even though you may not need help with something, others also doesn’t need the help. Now, I would love to continue talking with you, sweetheart, but you have to be somewhere, remember?”
Louise, in response to that, looked out one of the windows and noted the position of the sun.
“Oops, I’m late. See you later Mom!” and with that, the blonde girl ran outside.

-*-

In reality, Furbu was little more than a village, a cluster of homes piled together near the shore of the Green Sea, seeking shelter and safety together from the dangers of the wilds. A nerocite mine was nearby, but it was empty now, the dwarves that first created the village long left in search of more to mine.
In one of those homes, lived a strange old lady.

og så fortsetter det slik som i tidligere versjoner.

and I haven't got a map yet. will draw one soon, but that will be by hand, not on paint. I hate paint.

Hm.. I don't like this intro either:/ For some reason it feels abrupt too, and also, if you're going right into 'earlier that day,' then you probably should have just started earlier that day. Jumping back and forth right away might be confusing for the reader. The starting lines are important for the reader's interest! Maybe you should think about them for a while.

Oh, I can make the map in my head now, thanks. It was better described in this version:)

How about if I remove:
"Okay, how about this for an introduction:
“Mom, I’m home!” nine year old Louise yelled as she barged into the cottage she shared with her mother, Mary.
“Welcome home honey. Did you have an exciting day at school?” Mary asked. Louise pouted and crossed her arms.
“No, we had world geography again. It was boring.”
“Oh, why? I remember you doing your homework, why was it boring then? I can understand if you didn’t understand anything but...”
“It was boring because I already knew everything we talked about.”
“Oh, and what did you talk about then.”
“The continents...”

-*-Earlier that day, Furbu school building nine.-*-"

And simply go with beginning earlier that day? I want to be done with this, so I can continue on with the story. I don't like jumping back and forth in my writing.

Then I must ask the question, is Shadow's family rich? Schools are first of all expensive and also a huge privilege seeing as in a farmer's society, children would must likely be set to work in the fields of with the animals. Schools have traditionally been for those studying to be priests, monks/nuns and wealthy people.

Don't stress with the beginning, you can change it later on!!! Just type and eventually it will come to you:)

you would be correct about the farmer's children, had this story been about this world.
Gaia is not this world. Things are different there.
But yes, Shadow's family is rather wealthy, he has assured himself that his family can take care of themselves when he goes on quests and such.
Only his latest quest turned out to be a bit longer than expected, but hey...

And I want to have the introduction down pat before going into the rest. That way, it won't lay in the back of my mind like a nagging, neglected wife who's waiting for her daily backrub.

okay people, I ask everyone who wants to, to give me their ideas or examples of good bounties for Shadow to hunt. I.e marks and such.
I am currently writing when he goes hunting for some baddies, and a few of them I have already, but I need several more, as bounty hunting will be his main source of income in the beginning of his journey. So, if anyone has any ideas for bounties and or simply regular baddies, then I'd apreceate hearing them.

Huh.. What are you planning to use those "baddies" or "bounties" as? They gonna be a part of the story?